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Witness the Word of God: Play Bionic Commando

By David S. Gallant | 04 March 2011 | Editorial | , , | 2 Comments   

There are many Secular games in today’s market, and it can be difficult to find our Lord’s word among the Satanic and Secular “entertainment” flooding the shelves of video game stores. In light of the recent discovery that Minecraft is a vessel of our Lord’s divine teaching, I feel it appropriate to reveal a classic game that has secretly been hiding a divine ministry: Bionic Commando.

The game has been around since 1988 and was most popular on the Nintendo. You play as Rad Spencer, an obvious reference to Psalm 34:5 “those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame” and Psalm 76:5 “you are radiant with light, more majestic than mountains rich with game.” Your objective is to search for and rescue Super Joe, a man who is evidently Jesus. Joe, after all, is the military alphabet method of saying the letter J, and there is only one “Super J” that I am aware of.

Rad Spencer begins the game above the world, surveying it as God does His creation. He descends into each level as if answering the call of Romans 10:7 (“Who will descend into the deep?”). He is unable to jump, as in most Secular games; rather, he is empowered by Christ with the gift of reach (Deuteronomy 30:11) in the form of an extendable arm. Using this gift, Rad swings from place to place, as commanded by God in Joel 3:13.

Rad’s enemies are the BADDs, which we can identify as undesirable thanks to Luke 6:43 and Matthew 12:33. Rad dispenses the BADDs with the Lord’s divine justice by shooting them, as we are instructed in Jeremiah 50:44 (“Shoot at her! Spare no arrows, for she has sinned against the Lord.”) At the game’s conclusion, Rad defeats the Master (who resembles Hitler, which we otherwise know as Satan or The Devil) and causes his head to explose. Despite the graphic violence depicted, this end is still teaching Scripture (“He will crush your head” Genesis 3:15)

While this classic game may still be experienced by the few who still own a Nintendo and are able to find the cartridge, there is hope for the remaining Secular masses: the game has been remade as Bionic Commando Rearmed are released as a downloadable title for the current generation Playstation 3 and Xbox 360.

For those unable to get the joke: the author is a personal secularist who understands that this kind of religious interpretation is a stretch.


  1. Posted by Disparanoia on 04 March 11 at 6:25pm

    The game is also on the PC.

    all of you must buy the game in order to defeat satan! reach for the light my friends!

    BTW: is the minecraft review you linked real?

  2. Posted by David S. Gallant on 04 March 11 at 11:45pm

    It’s either real or the work of a very pervasive troll. It’s one among many, if you follow it back to the source website.

    The same reviewer also bashes Tetris for being a godless Communist ploy.

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